So to be blunt...my old Landlord was a Pure Asshole.
I had rented the flat for most of the lease, and during that time he had bombarded us with the usual property development type crap that Northern Ireland Housing had now become accustomed to in the past few years. Fairplay I guess, it was HIS property - and in his shoes what better time to do it, while there was a couple of young guys, who were still paying rent and who didnt really have a clue to take complete advantage of. For the most of it...I initially didnt really give a shit, it was a bit of a pain in the ass movin shit about, but aslong as it was done in a day or two who cared right?...it was only when he began to take the piss out of the situation, that it really became an issue. Being a cheap skate and hiring cowboys who would eventually turn round and say...
"well boys....aint gona have any working water for a week?"
"eH...Rite...how'm I meant to take a shower, go to the toilet etc...etc.."
"uck well...we'll leave the tap in the kitchen on sure"
"rite...take a crap in the kitchen sink..gotcha"
Total bullshit really, and that WASNT the worst of it. Near the end of our lease he had basically left the place in such a state that I was hardly really living in it and just began referring to it as 86b Paper Street (the house from fight club) No Carpets, mould and mushrooms growing all over the place, leakage... The Place was a fucking shithole! And I was Paying for it! It pretty much began effecting my mental health, quite often id come home from work, kick shit about, and then dramatically exit to find a couch to sleep on for the night.Eventually we ended up speaking on the phone, and the frustration had built up so much that I told him exactly what I thought about the situation, and that it was bullshit that I had to pay rent for this and that I was contemplating going to environmental health or a Solicitor to find some kind of compensation for my troubles. But all I got in return was a bunch of Legal mumbo jumbo, and indirect blackmails. He'd apparently taken photos of "weed smokin apparatus" and In his own fruity phrase "Its Either my way or the highway..." I didn't really take kindly to this and eventually jus told him to fuck off (literally) and hung up. Anytime he tried phoning I just didnt answer. I kept my head down for the following 2 weeks, just trying to get through it. But shit had to hit the fan sooner or later...
It was the weekend of the Twelfth. I had been staying at my brothers for a few days, mostly because I had been at a party with him and just ended up crashing there for convenience. On The Saturday Morning, I got a lift into the centre Bangor, where my flat was. I decided it would be a good idea to go back and get the essentials...Money, Fresh Clothes, Phone Charger... I walked round near the entrance and low and behold my landlord and his boyfriend were standing there. I rolled my eyes, wondering what amazing conversation we were about to get into...but it was not quite what I expected...
"Have The Police Got To You Yet Philip..."
"Eh...no??"
"Rite!"
He began dialing the police and telling them to get down immediately. I could feel my heart rate dramatically increase as I was obviously wondering what the fuck had happened. I tried asking but my landlord kept on the phone to the police while his gimpy boyfriend stood there looking like a boy who had lost his parents.... Eventually he began talking, but was very vague about what had happened because he was convinced I had something to with it. He told me blood was found at scene... I mean fucksake had someone been stabbed?! He said there was an estimation of £5000 damage (Bullshit) And kept on saying that what had happened was a Prisonable offence and insisted that I was going to jail because I was a joint tennant (Some More Bullshit...) I felt angry and anxious at the same time. The Police soon arrived and took me to the station, I knew I was innocent so I was more than happy to go down and give a statement but its when I got to the station that the real bullshit happened. I didnt really appreciate the way I was treated down there. Firstly I went and got my details taken by this guy name, age etc..etc.. and he then came to the mandatory "have you taken any drugs in the past 24 hours..." but instead he decided to be a total asshole and ask...
"What magic pillz were you taking at this shindig"
I mean what the fuck?!
"Eh...well...I havent taken any drugs...and I wasnt at this shindig..."
"Hmm...well your red eyes lead me to believe different"
Some asshole drinking coffee behind him kinda gave out a sorta amused chuckle. Total bullshit considering I ACTUALLY wasnt on anything, I dont even take drugs. I mean what the fuck do you say in that situation?? Yeah Columbo, You got me...Im completely outta my head...Please write down that I came here, obviously heavily fucked and talked the to the wall...in japanese I was really fucked off with the patronisation and had too bite my tongue aloada times but I got through it and eventually got taken to my cell. Jail is pretty much shit. You get given a wee matress, which isnt even really a matress. Its like one of those mats you get in gyms to do sit ups on, and a matching pillow. You also get a plate of microwaved vegetables. Bon Appetite! So after a flawless examination from the doctor, I got taken to the interrogation room for my statement. I basically explained everything! That I hadnt been in the flat since 8:30am Thursday Morning, that Id stayed at my brothers when all this had happened, that on Friday afternoon we had went to tescos and it was closed so went to Asdas, we bought chicken and broccoli... Everything I had done in the past 2 days. I cleared up lots of things and even gave my own theories. Like if someone Had broken in and done this, forced entry may have not been needed because the latch on the door was fucked. Basically talked non stop for 20 minutes and was hoping by the end of it that I had got across the point that I had nothing to do with it.... but then, the guy on the right who hadnt talked throughout the whole statement decided he was "bad cop" obviously watched too many interrogation films, tryna be like fuckin Jackie Bauer. He comes out with...
"So...what your tryna say is Mr.Blair...is that this was all just a coincidence, that you happened to be there?"
What a stupid cock. I couldnt believe it. I actually COULDNT believe it. SUCH a stupid cliche question to ask. At that point the frustration had just built up once again and in a split second decision I couldnt help but come out with a stupid response to his stupid question
"Well...not that you mention it...I was sorta gettin this real bad...I duno...rash between my legs because Id been wearing the same underwear for 2 days, and at that point...Coincidentally...I decided to go home and get a fresh pair"
They both sorta gave out chuckles but also had a look of bewilderment. I didnt say it in a cheeky way because I didnt think it was a good idea. I more or less acted stupid and said it in a genuine serious way...as if I believed what I was saying was relevant to the investigation... So after that, they pretty much came to the conclusion that I was innocent (aslong as my witnesses checked out) and after that they let me go. So in general it was a bit of a headwreck at the time, but its funny as fuck now.
